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springlesandstars's Blog


Professions I respect

The title doesn't mean to imply that I don't respect all jobs that people do, or that their job isn't as important or as worthy of respect -- just that I hold select professions in higher esteem than most others.

#1 would be Police Officers. Day in and day out they're out on the street protecting the public against harm while risking harm to their self. I hate that the media and public constantly smear their reputation. I mean, sure, some officers are bad apples, but what about the rest of those officers who are so courageous and strong and do dangerous stuff every single time they are out and about, simply to keep us safe? I should add a disclaimer that I personally don't know of even one single person in my social circle who is in this profession, but I just really admire what police officers do for us and I really hate that the media slams them time and again for supposedly not doing their job.

#2 Teachers. Seriously the most under-appreciated career of all time. These people sacrifice so much of their time outside of class to teach during class. They work so hard to help shape the individuals of tomorrow, but they aren't paid to reflect that at all.

#3 Firemen. Seriously. Hot sexy men braving dangerous fires to rescue people. True, they don't have to be hot or sexy, but the fact that most firemen are volunteers and willingly go into a dangerous situation to save lives is pretty goddamn amazing since I would never risk my own life to save others, even if I did have protective equipment on. Damn, that sounded a bit selfish of me. But the point is that I could never do what they do and I highly respect and admire that.

So those are top 3 professions that I highly respect and admire because I believe they don't get the recognition they deserve. There are two professions that I kind of feel like I should respect because society does, but I actually kinda don;t...

#1 Doctors: They only help delay the inevitable which is, of course, death.

#2 Soldiers: Sure they're doing something noble, which is be willing to sacrifice their life for the sake of their country, but I don't think we should be applauding and praising people for killing people. 

Thoughts on Love

I want friendship and passionate romance when it comes to loving a man. I feel like right now I'm too young to understand relationships and love, but I don't know for sure. My parents are saying that talks are serious about me marrying this guy I kinda know. I worked with this guy a couple years back at a retail store and my parents know his parents. I don't want to marry him, but I'd love to marry into his family. He has the sweetest, kindest, most lovable parents ever! But I just... don't want to marry their son... lol.

Listening to a song right now called Soniya, as in Beautiful. The lyrics are so haunting, the way they're sung, at least. The line of the chorus goes like this: "Beautiful, if you were going to break my heart anyways, then tell me, why did you take my heart?" Which makes no sense, but at the same time, makes so much sense. I think.

What is it that Shrek says? "I thought love was only true in fairy tales... meant for someone else, not for me." That's what I believe. It's why I'm willing to marry where my parents tell me to, or more specifically, to whomever they say. But the thing is when the time has come, I really, really don't want to get married off yet. I still want to enjoy my twenties by myself and how I choose. I don't want to get married for the sake of getting married. 

A man who was a decade older than me, I'm pretty sure, kissed me a few days ago. He was very talented at kissing, but I didn't feel anything and he kinda creeps me out... but I don't know why. He resembles a father figure to me, but I already have a dad haha so don't need another one lol. I thought I wanted to kiss someone, anyone, just to try it out... but it's no fun when there's no feelings involved. Truth be told, I liked the first guy who kissed me better than this guy (this second guy is also the second person to have kissed me, ever)... 

I'm scared of what's going to happen in my life if I don't start doing something with my life.

Things That Tick Me Off

-The following phrases rub me the wrong way:
"fair enough" 
"get the creative juices flowing" 
"let's crunch some numbers"

-opening my bedroom door in the morning before I've woken up

-perfectly capable people who don't offer their seat to the disabled or elderly

-not replying back to me when I text you with a question. I sent a text for a reason, not for you to ignore it.

-people who talk incessantly



Things that CAN change

Sometimes I feel on top of the world, as if I can accomplish anything. But then other days, like yesterday for example, I felt just so useless and worthless... as if no matter how much I bothered, there would be no point. Sometimes I think I can't do anything and that I'm just a big, fat failure, but when I talk to certain friends and to my counsellor, I get the confidence and energy to know that I CAN do it, if only I put in some effort to take life by its bullhorns and take it where I want it to go.

So I was going through the diary I kept in high school, and the entry reflects my negative thinking of what I wanted versus thinking that I can't ever achieve any of it. Going through it, I realized I really can't achieve some of the stuff just because the things that I listed were too unrealistic or unreasonable. I mean, I know I'll never be skinny, but I can be thin and healthy. Anyways, here's what I wrote:

"If I could, I would :
-be skinny
-be confident
-be able to dress well
-get straight A's
-be funny
-be loved
-be kissed
-dress like a hoe, i.e. wear dresses
-be able to dance"


Lol I'm just laughing to myself that I wrote that I wanted to dress like a hoe. It shows how judgmental I am, yet when I wrote it I meant a number of different things. I know that the words hoe and slut have very derogatory meanings associated with them, but in my twisted mind, they embody the things that I want, but I'd feel too awkward and self-conscious to actually 'dress like a hoe'. For instance, the revealing clothes represent the confidence in their beautiful bodies. Even if their bodies are flawed, they don't care; they'll wear whatever they want without fear of reprisal. The way they walk is just full of "swagger", i.e. confidence. I want to walk like I don't care who's watching and go continue doing what I want. Their clothes... they seem to look good in whatever they wear because of how they carry themselves. I want to look good in what I wear, and I guess this comes into the "If I could, I would be able to dress well". Moreover, the clothes show attitude in that they can get any guy they want. I want to wear clothes that will turn people''s heads (in a good way). I want to attract a man, even if it's just purely shallow at first. 

Okay enough of the hoes, I want to discuss the other points on that list. 

I've already mentioned that I recognize being skinny is an unrealistic and unattainable goal. It would be better for me to focus as I am currently doing in my real life, to continue to become a healthier person and the weight will come off naturally. Even if the weight doesn't come off, I will be healthy and with good health comes the dose of confidence from feeling good about your body and about yourself.

Be confident... As if I haven't discussed this enough times... I want to be confident so that I can love myself and in turn, not need others to love me to feel good about myself. I don't want to depend on other people's thoughts and opinions of me to feel worthy and deserving of love. One of the ways in which I am improving my confidence is by talking to certain new friends I have made that help me think about myself in different ways and help me feel more positive about my inner self.

Be able to dress well. Lol well I've never really had much of a fashion sense. If I am comfortable and warm enough, I am happy. I suppose to improve myself and achieve this goal, I need to develop my own "style" rather than just being "comfortable." In fact, yesterday I bought red pants! That was pretty exciting and I can't wait to wear them soon!

Haha... get straight A's? That's never gonna happen in university considering the amount, or lack, of effort I put into studying and managing time. All I ask of myself now is to be able to graduate from university. Just please, please pass all your courses and get that piece of paper that'll say I have a Bachelor's degree in Science.

I've always loved making people laugh. I love watching a genuine smile curve their lips because of something I said or did. It's why I always act silly or goofy in front of my friends - in anticipation of a smile or grin or laugh. I wanted to be funny because some guy in high school told me I wasn't funny. But that's dumb. What does he know? know that I am funny to my friends, and that's all that matters. My counsellor said it only matters what I believe because I asked her if it was important to be funny, so I believe that I am amusing sometimes and I can make my friends laugh and that's good enough for me.

Be loved... hmm well that's something I am working on. I mean, I am building confidence and practicing self-love. My counsellor asked me at my last session if I loved myself and I said no. She told me to repeat "I love myself" to her and then asked me if I believed it, and I said no. She made me repeat the exercise and asked me again if I believed it and I burst into tears. LOL. I'm so dumb sometimes, but soon, one day, I will be able to tell myself that I love myself and I will smile big while I say it. :)

Ah, be kissed. Well, I achieved that goal! YAY! Haha I've fantasized about kissing a man for so long and finally one guy kissed me and it was such a perfect first kiss, even if we have no feelings for each other. It was amazing and I'm thankful for having been kissed. I wish I could get kissed again and that I could have the privilege of kissing him (or another interested man lol) again and again, but I've accepted that he doesn't want me anymore even though he said he did, so... probably not gonna kissed for at least another several months or a few years (I imagine it will be somebody who won't change his feelings for wanting me). The thing with kissing for me is that it represents intimacy and demonstrates more affection than sex. Even when I'm watching p0rn, the biggest turn-on for me and the thing that gets me wet the fastest  is watching two partners (same sex or not) hold and kiss each other passionately. I love it! I can't wait until I have a boyfriend or husband who I will be "allowed" to touch and kiss. *sighs*

Since I already talked about dressing up like a hoe, I will end with the last item on the list: be able to dance. I think people who can dance are so sexy. If I wasn't so uncoordinated and slow at learning, I'd be top spot in dancing classes. I've only ever taken one dancing class and it was an indian traditional dance, and I basically just sucked at it because I can't contort or bend my body fast enough because of the fat on me and also because of my inflexible body. I just feel so awkward and self-conscious and dim-witted when I'm learning the moves and dancing the steps. I told my counsellor I really wanted to dance, but I can't and she said I can. All I have to do is turn on the music and dance when no one's watching me in my room by myself. Lol what I actually do is in the gym in my basement (it really has two treadmills and a TV stand with a TV on it), I turn on the dvd player and I watch hindi songs and I copy the dance movements from the actors. It's so much fun AND it's exercise! I felt extreeemely silly at first: dancing by myself in movements I know in no way match the flowing, beautiful choreography on screen, but I just stopped caring about what i looked like since nobody could see me and started doing the best I could to copy them. 

So that's the end of that list, but by no means is this the end of my journey to self-love and self-improvement...

Words can hurt, so much.

These are three things people have said to me at different times in my life which, when I feel pity for myself, I never forget.

1. I was seven or eight years old and it was at a family friend's house where we were there to celebrate a wedding. I remember playing flag football in the backyard with my siblings and a few distant cousins and then all of a sudden, I heard this remark from two men,  who I now think were probably in their twenties, and were standing on the balcony overlooking the backyard:
"Hey look at that fat girl run!" 

And when I looked up to the balcony, I remember them pointing directly at me and laughing.

2. It was in highschool in an empty hallway with only my 'best' friend and her friend, but who I didn't consider my friend. My best friend's friend was well-liked by everyone and pretty popular with teachers and all students alike, but for some reason, I had an irrational dislike of her. I remember talking about how I would need to miss school for some trip, and she said:
"You know, nobody would miss you if you didn't show up."

I think the worst, most hurtful part was that my so-called best friend never even tried to defend me and/or say that she would miss me if I never came back to school.

3. This instance was near the end of my last year in high school and we were due to be on stage in a bit for the grad show. It was me, a girl, and two guys. We were all joking and laughing and running around the empty hallways since everyone was seated in the small gym, awaiting the start of the performance. All of a sudden, this boy who I'd known since elementary school just looked at me and told me:
"Do you think you're funny? Because you're not."


To this day, I have no idea why I distinctly remember the exact words and scathing tone of them. I remember that every single instance, I just literally froze. I just stood there, immobile and stared at the person's face, unable to believe they'd said that to me and that's what they believed about me. I don't know why I took those words to heart so much. I mean, I should learn to forgive and let go, right? Yet, I will never, ever forget them.

You matter.

What is the one thing you wish everyone would learn?

Posted by superficialife Mar 6th, 2013 at 1:40AM


That we are all different. That just because someone believes certain things, or is defined by their degrees or their possessions that doesn't mean they are objectively "better" or "worse" than anyone else except in someone's subjective preference.

I wish people learned that none of us asked to exist, and we each have a hard time adapting to a body, mind, and world we did not choose.

And I also wish that we learned all of us are selfish, that life is a battle between our desires and the desires of others, and neither is better or worse because we are all seeking to simply satisfy our five senses and emotions through whatever we can grasp or do to feel fulfilled or worthy.




Marriage: Arranged vs Love

I've always accepted I'm going to have an arranged marriage because that's part of who I am - I listen to and I obey my parents as much as any good daughter does. I also know I'm never going to receive or even achieve the type of love couples in real life have, nor the love that the couples in movies and romance novels have. I've wanted it, though. Who wouldn't? Every single person on this planet craves love and acceptance. I hope one day to gain respect and affection from the man my parents choose for me.
The question that you may be begging to ask is why even bother getting married at all if not for love? First of all, I'd have to say you're a hopeless romantic, as I am, too. However, I'm also practical. I don't want to waste my life looking for a soulmate for myself who may not even exist in the part of the world I live. For all I know, he could be lived in Europe somewhere and I'll never know because I don't plan on travelling in the near future. I want to have kids. I don't want to be alone. I want companionship for life. I trust that my parents will find me a decent and successful man who I may eventually come to love and respect.
Another question just waiting to be asked may be what if I find love and my perfect soulmate after I get married. What would I do then? The answer to that is I don't know. Time will tell. I'd like to think I will make the mature and responsible choice, no matter what that may be. But who knows how I, or anyone, will change in the future - whether it's for the better or for worse.
All I can say at the moment is I'm not holding my breath to wait for some romantic love to sweep me off my feet and live happily ever after; I just want to live for now.

Writing Stories on EP? Not for me.

I've found that ExperienceProject strongly encourages us to write our personal stories and share them on experience groups, but I think it's way too much work to go back and look for the specific experience group in order to talk about or tell my story about the experience that I had. I'd much rather do this on a blog. I was hesitant to do my first blog because although I have indeed read blogs while browsing the internet, I've never cared to write one myself on tumblr on other such blogging website. I suppose Twitter might be considered a micro-blogging website, but it doesn't count imo. So anyways, I thought I'd my first blog and just write about whatever topic I had an interest in. Turned out, I hate smokers (if you read that, wow! thanks for reading such a long blog! If not, it's okay haha). I had no idea I had felt so strongly about how much I strongly dislike people who smoke, but I do and so I ended up writing a blog in the form of an essay - which is good practice for university writing, not so good for trying to grab an audience on a website only really looking for some online friendships and "fun." The point of this blog is to let you, the reader, know I'll be writing more blogs in the future about topics that I have more than a passing interest in, should you care to read them. I'll end on that note and wish whoever you may be a happy rest of the day or night. 

Smoking

I hate smokers. I don't hate the people who smoke, per se, but I do strongly dislike their act of smoking. It especially bothers me when I see college-aged or university students smoking. I mean, they're intelligent. It's why they got in, it's why they're there. What I don't understand is why in the name of all that's good, do they smoke when I know they must have taken at least one or two biology classes that clearly illustrate the dangerous and adverse health consequences of smoking to yourself and the effects of second-hand smoke on others. You're going to have yellow teeth if you don't already, your clothes smell, your fingernails are brittle, you have a hacking cough, and there's a cloud of carcinogens floating in you, on you and around you.
Ever since I was a child when I learned in elementary school just how bad smoking is for your lungs' and heart's health, I've given smokers in public places dirty looks and I cover my nose and mouth with the sleeve of my coat. God, they disgust me. I'm not completely ignorant in the fact that I know it can extremely difficult to quit once you've started the addiction, but it drives me crazy to know that people in university should have the knowledge to want to quit, but they don't. Who knows though - maybe they are really trying to quit smoking, but I don't know their full back story. 
You may note that I mentioned I hate smokers, but not the people who smoke. Until recently, I hated the people who smoke, too.  I assumed that anyone who smokes is too dumb for me to deign to converse with. Yet I have met three professors and one amazingly intelligent guy who all smoke. They have all achieved great levels of success that I only aspire to, but... they still smoke... It boggles the mind. Or, at least, it boggles my mind -- It seems my brain cannot compute how they could have gotten as far as they have in life without taking care of their health.
All this seems to teach me is that I really shouldn't be such a bigot to judge people by what objectionable habits they may have, but rather by the measurement of their personalities and the intelligence in their brains.

1-9 of 9 Blogs   

Previous Posts
Professions I respect, posted June 5th, 2013
Thoughts on Love, posted May 26th, 2013
Things That Tick Me Off, posted May 21st, 2013, 2 comments
Things that CAN change, posted April 25th, 2013, 7 comments
Words can hurt, so much., posted March 18th, 2013, 2 comments
You matter., posted March 7th, 2013
Marriage: Arranged vs Love, posted December 1st, 2012, 6 comments
Writing Stories on EP? Not for me., posted November 30th, 2012, 2 comments
Smoking, posted November 23rd, 2012, 1 comment

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